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Roy Wood Jr. Stand-Up


[ Cheers and applause ] -I have a child. I have a child, he’s two,
and I love him, but I have now found out that
the feeling is not mutual. [ Laughter ] Took this boy to a fire station. He run off, start kicking it
with all the firefighters. I get it now, I get why cops
don’t like firefighters. They got all this charisma,
firefighters. They got all this charisma. And there’s nothing you can do
to stop it. This is how much we love
firefighters. Firefighters get the same amount
of hero love as cops, but none of the scrutiny. No sign of — you’ve never
looked at a firefighter and wondered if he’s
one of the good ones. [ Laughter ] It’s never happened.
[ Applause ] Hey… You want to be a good cop, you
got to hand out free ice cream. You got to go to the hood
and dance with children. [ Laughter ] You want to be a good
firefighter, all you got to do is take your
shirt off and make a calendar. That’s it.
You win the game. [ Laughter and applause ] You can’t be cooler
than a firefighter. Only person cooler
than a firefighter is a forest firefighter. That’s next level, ’cause they
ain’t got no equipment. They just out in the woods with
a chainsaw and a shovel. That’s all they have. A chainsaw and a shovel,
chopping trees — It’s basically CrossFit.
That’s what that job is. It’s the X Games
of firefighting. Like, oh, you like
fighting fire? Well, can you do it without
a truck or water? [ Laughter ] And if that doesn’t work, the only thing the forest
firefighters have as backup is a helicopter flying overhead just drizzling something
on top of the fire. [ Laughter ]
And I’m sure — I’m sure it’s doing something.
I’m sure it’s helping, but I’m watching from the house,
and I see that helicopter with the bucket,
and it drizzles. I’m like, that didn’t do
anything at all. You need more helicopters.
[ Laughter ] Only person cooler than
a forest firefighter is a volunteer firefighter.
[ Laughter ] That’s the next level, ’cause
they ain’t getting no money. [ Cheers and applause ] No money. To just fight fire
on the side. They already have a job.
They have a job, and then every now and then,
“Hey, man, I’ll be at work, “but let me know if
something burning. I’m happy to swing by.”
[ Laughter ] Who you know run into a burning
building as a side hustle? [ Laughter ] You’ve got to respect
volunteer firefighters. Everybody loves volunteer
firefighters. [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah. Nobody loves a volunteer
police officer. [ Laughter ] In fact, there’s nothing
more scarier than a volunteer police — Even the police don’t trust
a volunteer — That’s why they call them
vigilantes. [ Laughter ] I have two cops in my family, and I know that one advantage
that cops for sure have is that they get to do
their job off duty. Off-duty cops.
Off-duty cops — that’s the only time you hear
somebody’s occupation inserted into a news story. You do something amazing,
and it’s one of us, we’re just a regular —
you’re just a good Samaritan. You ain’t no
off-duty accountant. [ Laughter ] But if you’re a cop,
and you’re a cop when you didn’t have to be a
cop, you’re now an off-duty cop. And it’s always a superhero
story from an off-duty — “In other news today,
an off-duty police officer, he pulled a school bus from
a tornado by himself.” [ Laughter ] “The tornado has been taken
into custody.” [ Laughter ] Off-duty cops, ’cause cop
is the only hero job that you can do
without equipment. All you need to be a cop
is courage. You can be an off-duty
firefighter. Absolutely. You can be an off-duty
firefighter. Pull up to the fire. But if you do not have
your equipment, you are just a person standing
outside of a fire. You are a bystander.
That is what you are right now. You are a bystander.
You have no truck. You have no water.
You at the wrong fire. You should be in the forest. [ Laughter ] I get it. I get why these cops are jealous
of firefighters, man. You got all this police reform
going on. There hasn’t been a single
firefighter misconduct video. [ Laughter ] No firefighter misconduct. Plus, as a firefighter, it’s got to be hard to be
prejudiced as a firefighter. Half your job in the smoke,
you can’t see who you’re saving. [ Laughter ] You don’t know. [ Applause ] If you a firefighter,
you trying to be prejudiced, that means you got to
pat around — you got to listen for race.
You got to hear it. You got to —
“Fire Department, call out. Fire Department, you in here?
Fire Department –” “I’m over here, cuz.
Save me, bruh.” [ Laughter ] “This floor is all clear,
headed upstairs. 10-4.” [ Laughter and applause ] Thank you
to the first responders. Thank you all so much
for having me, man. Appreciate it.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
-Wow! As always… As always, amazing. Roy Wood Jr.!
[ Cheering ] ♪♪ For more, go to roywoodjr.com,
everybody.

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