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Jokes We Didn’t Use Pt. 8 – Lights Out with David Spade

– Hey Guys, Merry Christmas. Welcome to “Jokes
That Didn’t Make It”. (upbeat music) Did I get it? (bell dings) Oh I nailed it! Fucking good for me. Don’t be distracted
by my cool coat with the collar up. I apologize for
being fucking badass. All right, let’s
get right to it. Everyone’s favorite bet,
“Jokes That Didn’t Make It”. They’re like, “How come
they didn’t make it?” And I go, “They
sorta did make it, “because you watched them.” (sighs deeply) An Indian farmer scared
monkeys away from his crops by painting his dog
to look like a tiger. That’s a great idea. I’m gonna paint my
tiger to look like a dog so I can take it on Southwest. Because animals, they
let them on planes. They wouldn’t let a tiger, but if I paint it to
look like a dog… I actually, all kidding aside, for my anxiety, I
have a pet Black Widow and then I relax while
it fucking kills people. I go, “Go,” and then I
go, “Back in the cage.” Russian figure
skater Anton Shulepov got in trouble for
doing a routine wearing an
Auschwitz-themed costume. That’s not the funny part
even though it is to me. The judges hated it,
except for the German judge who gave it a nein. N-E-I-N, that’s
another, you have to sorta see it written
N-E-I-N, it’s funny. Auschwitz, I tell them I don’t want to do any jokes like this, but they wind up here and then I wind up doing them, so I guess I’m the
fucking asshole. All right, Jimmy
Carter’s been admitted to the hospital for a
urinary tract infection. Whoa, I bet his wife was
also admitted for exhaustion. (paper crumpling) I hate that shit. Whoop not done. People are upset
that Anna Paquin only has seven lines
in “The Irishman.” More upset it’s seven hours. I added that part. If she wants more lines,
I have three ready to go in my dressing room right now. Sniffy jiffy. Coke, toot, rails,
power flower, toc chalk, devil’s dandruff, sniffy
jiffy, powered Pepsi. You get it. Come by. Always open. Literally always open
’cause I never go to bed. Famous internet cat, Lil Bub. Where my Lil Bub’s at? Passed away, aw sad
story (chuckles) at the age of eight. In cat years, that’s a week. That’s not great. Authorities suspect Rob Lowe, because that dude
slays the pussy. Don’t leave town, Rob, cops
wanna ask you some questions. Well, flattering in a
way, but he’s married, he’s got kids. He used to be a big puss hound, so everyone will get
it, but it’s rude. Out of respect to his
wife, I will crunch it. And out of fun for me. To crunch. This coat was cool
at the beginning, now it’s heavy, it’s giving
me a fucking headache. If I was in the
army, which I never would be ’cause I’d quit. But if I had to lug this
fucking thing around, it’s giving me spino bifida. Coldplay front
man, Chris Martin, said he used to
wonder if he was gay when he was a teenager. I wonder the same thing
whenever I listen to Coldplay. That’s insinuating he’s gay. Borderline illegal. I can’t say that. Second part was good. Michigan becomes the
first state in the Midwest to allow legal
sale of marijuana. The only thing
holding up sales now is the fact nobody has
any money in Michigan. Well, I’m from Michigan. I can’t do that joke
because it’s mean and I love Michigan. It would get a few titters
from some asshole fans. Beyonce’s dad released an album of never heard material
from Destiny’s Child. Also, Solange jet 10000
steps yesterday on her walk. See the whole
family’s doing stuff. Not just Beyonce. This just in, it was 7800 steps. Puffed it up to make it
look like she’s doing a lot. An electric eel at
the Tennessee Aquarium is powering their
Christmas tree. They wanted to remind people what a southern
Christmas is all about. Slavery. Slave jokes in general. – [Man] Can we get a hold
for the planes, sorry. I was. (crew laughing) I’ve done 35 movies, I know. They don’t like planes. That’s not one of ours. Everybody down! Porn star Jenna Jameson is safe after a shooting near her
home by Hawaiian Naval Base. The base is called
Pearl Necklace Harbor. Wow. Thankfully, no one was
hurt because the shooting was on her neck, chest,
some on her feet. Looks like she’s good
if it can go that far. Almost there folks,
homestretch, not really. Rapper Wakaflakataca,
rapper Takaclakabaca, rapper Ticktaka, Wakaflakaflame,
did he get married? It’s Flame, that’s
really his last name. Says black people should boycott “American’s Got Talent”. That would be bad. I’m not watching a whole
season of ventriloquists. White people. An Australian woman
used a phony resume and a photo of Kate Upton
to land a $185000 job. I can’t believe I fell for that, but somebody has
to be my lawyer. That means I hired her. ‘Cause I’m like,
“Ooh she’s hot.” Australian researchers
are working on a cure for peanut allergies. They’re calling it,
Not Being a Pussy. Nerds. Hey Australia, you’ve
been honey roasted. Oh this one has like,
I get to do my accents. Two thirds of doctors
prescribe drugs for themselves. The other third of
doctors are smart enough to lie on the survey. What do they expect
from doctors? There’s a reason fat
guys own pizza shops. The eat it. Ay Mama Mia, Papa Pia, my
baby’s got the diarrhea. So let’s bring the doctors back from the beginning of the joke. (blows raspberry) a man tried to smuggle 2.2
pounds of gold in his rectum, before being caught by security for his peculiar walk. When they pulled
him out of line, he was literally
shitting bricks. That’s all folks. Those are good ones. Okay, that’s it, lights out. I’m getting the fuck outta here.


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